


wrap me in a bolt of lightning, send me away still smiling

by kawx



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Comfort, Domestic Violence, Hurt, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, break up fic, mentions of abuse, unrequited!ambreigns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 17:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2200572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawx/pseuds/kawx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's in love with Seth, something he thought he'd never be. So when the time comes, Dean does what he's always done. Dean leaves before he is left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. don't blink, they won't even miss you at all

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a 3 part story (I think) that came to light listening to Call Me by Shinedown and End of Me by A Day To Remember. Ambrollins has been breaking my heart lately, and whats better than a good ol' Dean and Seth break up? (avoids daggers) and ofc, some Ambreigns friendship. (I also promise that my two chapter fics will be updated soon!) my tumblr is psychrollins and is open to message, comments and prompts at all times! :D enjoy!

Dean’s pretty sure he’s never felt pain like this. Its emotional pain and physical pain all rolled into one and set on fire inside his chest.

 

He can’t quite function properly, doesn’t know what to do now. He should probably march right out to the balcony and demand to know why. He should scream, kick, punch, anything. But he can’t, he’s so _numb._

 

Dean hadn’t meant to overhear the conversation, obviously, but he had. And hearing the words _“I promise you Antonio, I’m leaving tomorrow. I love you, ok?”_ simply broke him, like a needle full of anaesthetic rendering him motionless but still very, very awake.

 

Seth was leaving him. His beautiful, pretty, perfect Seth was leaving him for someone else. Seth had cheated on him, after months and months of what seemed like the perfect relationship, everything was falling apart.

 

And Dean can feel it tearing apart his lungs, like he’s swallowed a handful of broken glass and with every breath he takes the little shards lodge themselves deeper, burning and ripping until he can’t breathe, can’t feel anything.

 

What stops him from going outside to confront Seth though, is that he knew it was coming. He didn’t quite know when, but it’s just what everyone does. They end up getting bored or finding something better and then they just leave.

 

Dean doesn’t know how long he stands there, doesn’t know how long Seth continues to stand out on the balcony for, but when he comes back to his senses, Seth hasn’t moved. With shaky limbs, Dean manages to stumble towards the bed. What hurts the most about all of this, is that Seth said he was different, told him he wasn’t going to leave because he loved him. But Seth’s just like the rest of them, they’ll say all these things – but coming from Seth, Dean had just this once let himself believe – and then months down the line, they were gone. And Dean hates being left, hates the constricting feeling of his heart seeing someone walk out of the door with bags in hand. It’s such a familiar feeling, and Dean’s growing sick of it.

 

So Dean will do what he did the last few handful of times. Before he can be left, he will leave. Seth will wake up in the morning, with all the intentions of leaving, to find he’s already been left. It’s cruel and Dean knows it, especially with how he feels about being left, but it’s the only way he’s learnt to cope with it. If he knows that he left, knows that he was the one to walk out on the relationship, well then he probably won’t sit in a lonely hotel room drinking himself to death because he’s not good enough and he’ll tell himself that he was too good for them. Even though he knows it’s not true.

 

Dean lies in the cold bed for another half an hour, before Seth finally comes in from the balcony. He’s wearing nothing but his sleep pants, and Dean has to look away. He can feel the glass in his chest again, can feel the little slivers of glass digging in and reminding him that Seth doesn’t want him anymore. What hurts even more though, is the smile that Seth gives him. Seth doesn’t know that Dean knows, and that’s what’s cutting into Dean. Because Seth is acting like he always has, like they’ll wake up in the morning and make coffee and pancakes before cleaning up the apartment. But that’s not how it’s going to go, no matter how much Dean wants it too.

 

Dean will wake up – or probably not, he’ll most likely be awake all night staring at Seth – before Seth, grab his stuff and go. And then maybe Seth will be sad – or maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll be glad – that Dean’s gone.

 

It takes every ounce of strength that Dean has left in his body not to let the sob escape his mouth when Seth slips into bed beside him and wraps his arms around his waist.

 

“Hey.” Seth whispers, lips ghosting across the back of Dean’s neck. Dean shudders as a tear rolls down his cheek.

 

“Was that your mom?” Dean asks, voice cracking slightly. He wants to hear Seth lie to him, knows it will hurt, but it will tell Dean everything he needs to know.

 

“Yeah, she was telling me about some distant family member who’s having a baby.” Seth’s voice stays straight, and it makes Dean wonder how many times Seth’s lied to him, he’s obviously done it for so long that Dean can’t tell the difference. One half of Dean wants to push Seth away, doesn’t want to feel Seth’s chest pressed against his back. But the other half wants him impossibly close, knowing it’s going to be the last time he gets to be this close to Seth.

 

“That’s nice.” Dean grips onto Seth’s hand and decides that he’ll stay close to him for now, he’ll submit the feel of Seth’s warm body pressed against his to memory so that when Dean has to leave in the morning, he won’t be scrambling to remember their last moments of happiness.

 

Eventually Seth’s breathing evens out against his neck and he feels the gentle rise and fall of Seth’s chest. He slowly rolls over, so that he’s facing him, and presses the lightest of kisses against Seth’s slightly parted lips.

 

If he’d have known that this is how everything was going to turn out, he’d have never let Seth buy him that drink the bar, he’d have never of let Seth scrawl his number on his arm and he definitely would have never have called back.

 

Or maybe he would have. Because calling Seth back on a whim had been the best decision he’d ever made, apparently. Because Seth was like no other person Dean had ever encountered, and the fact that Seth was interested in _him,_ well Dean had a hard time trying to believe it. But then again, maybe Seth wasn’t as into him as he’d made out to be. Because here they are, nearly a year down the line and Seth’s been cheating on him.

 

Maybe the night that Seth said I love you for the first time was a lie. Maybe the day that Seth told him that he wanted him to be the one he took to meet his mother was a lie. Maybe everything Seth said was a lie. Dean knows he should be angry, that he should be punching Seth in the face repeatedly until there’s blood everywhere and Seth’s face is so mangled that he can’t even open his eyes. But he can’t. He can’t because he’s so in love with Seth that everything just hurts. It hurts more than the time he found his mother unconscious in the chair because she’d drunk too much and he’d had to call an ambulance when he was six. It just _hurts_ and that’s why he’s not unleashing hell.

 

If this had been anyone else, any other person abandoning him and acting like its _nothing_ then he’d be tearing down walls and just breaking everything until there’s nothing left. But this is _Seth_ and he can’t do that to him. No matter how much Seth hurts him, no matter what that little two-toned pretty boy does to his heart, Dean can’t bring himself to hurt him. That’s why, in a few hours, Dean will get up from the bed he shares with Seth for the very last time and save Seth the task of telling Dean he doesn’t want him anymore.

 

 

xXx

 

 

Dean rubs at his tired eyes that haven’t closed all night, and lets out a shaky breath as the sun starts to rise. He rolls onto his side and lets his gaze settle on a still sleeping Seth. This is it. This is the day that Dean leaves before he is left, once again. He presses a light kiss to Seth’s forehead and mutters a quiet _I love you_ before rolling from the bed.

 

His heart aches inside of his chest as he shoves his clothes into his bag. In the back of his mind, he’d always knew this was going to happen, but he’d been desperately hoping that he was going to be proved once. He didn’t care what other shit things happened to him, what other things the ugly black world threw at him, he’d just wanted to keep Seth.

 

Seth’s still sleeping thankfully, when Dean loads his bags next to the bedroom door ready to take downstairs. He doesn’t want to leave without telling Seth _why,_ wants Seth to know just how much he’s really hurt him, but he doesn’t want to have _that_ conversation with him. So he pulls a pen and a piece of paper from the dresser and writes it down. His handwriting is scruffy, and he scribbles some stuff out but he gets it down in the end, and it’s only when he’s folding the paper up that he realises he’s crying.

 

He places the letter on his pillow, where his head should be right now, and stands over Seth’s sleeping body. The little shards of glass make themselves known again, burning and stabbing at his lungs. He tries to breathe, but he ends up just taking in gulps of air without being able to let any back out again. Dean holds back a sob and bends down to kiss Seth for the very last time. It’s just a quick, gentle press of their lips but it feels like a death sentence.

 

Dean remembers when his friend Sami told him about what it was like going away to war. What it felt like to say goodbye to your friends and family, to your partner, knowing that it could possibly be the last time you feel their skin against yours. It’s entirely different, Dean’s not going to die – _he thinks, anyway –_ but it sticks in his mind. He’s pretty sure he gets what Sami means, because kissing Seth for the last time is like he’s signing his life away for no reason.

 

But of course there’s a reason. Seth doesn’t love him. And he doesn’t want to hurt Seth, so if he doesn’t want him, well then he doesn’t have to have him. Dean moves away from the bed, so that he doesn’t wake Seth up, and heads over to the door. His hands stills on the door handle, his mind just rolling over the everything just one more time _– contemplates jumping back into bed and trying his hardest to keep Seth in bed and with him for as long he can –_ before he turns the handle and picks his bags up from the floor.

 

The little glass pieces he feels like he swallowed last night remind him that Seth doesn’t want him, Seth loves someone called _Antonio_ and that he needs to leave before he does something he regrets.

 

Dean spares one last glance at Seth – _his beautiful, pretty, wonderful Seth –_ before slipping through the door. He decided last night, that he’ll drive around a bit before he knows that Roman will be up before calling him. Roman will let him stay a few days before Dean finds somewhere else to crash, because Roman is Roman and he cares more about Dean than anyone else probably ever has. They’re brothers, really, and if Dean needs something, Roman’s sure as hell going to give him it.

 

But Dean won’t wake Roman up at this hour, the sun hasn’t even risen properly yet, and Dean needs a little time to clear his head anyway. He slips out of the front door – _and tries not to think about the fact that he probably won’t step foot in Seth’s house ever again –_ and loads his bags into the car. The air is cold across his face and he pulls the collar of his leather jacket tighter around his neck as he gets inside his car. He looks up at Seth’s house – _his home for the last god knows how many months_ – and smiles briefly at the memories that flutter into his head.

 

He pushes the memories away though, because he doesn’t need another reason to cry, and starts his car. He’s glad he got it fixed a couple of weeks ago, because it would have definitely woke Seth up if he hadn’t.

 

Dean can’t quite understand what went wrong with Seth, other than the fact that someone better came along. He’d tried so hard to be everything that Seth wanted, tried his best to bury the old Dean that liked to pick fights and liked to sleep around. Hell, this had been his longest relationship, he’d never invested himself so fully in someone other than Roman like he had Seth. Because after the first few months, he’d just _fallen._ Fallen like an autumn leaf, so softly and slowly, he didn’t even realise it until he hit the ground. He loved him, he was _in love_ with Seth.

 

It scared him at first, hit him so hard he just didn’t know how to feel, but then Seth had been there, with his loving hands and his soft kisses to Dean’s neck and that’s when he realised. He didn’t care if he never slept with anyone else ever again. He didn’t care that if Seth wanted something, Dean would get it for him. He didn’t care because Dean was in love with Seth and he fucking loved it.

 

But, as Dean trundles down the road with his hands gripping the steering wheel tight and his cheeks wet with tears, he realises why he’d been scared to start with. Because even though Seth had made him love being in love, Seth also just made him _hate_ being in love. Now, here he was, after telling himself it was ok to fall in love, fucking heartbroken. He’ll be more careful in the future ( _of course he will be, he’ll always love Seth, there won’t be anyone else to fall in love with._ )

 

Dean ends up at the park not far from Roman’s apartment, and parks his car on the street. He buys a coffee to warm his hands more than to drink, and heads over to an empty bench. There aren’t many people at the park at this time of the morning – _just about half past six, now_ – but there are a few dog walkers and runners risking the biting morning air. He likes being up at this time, it’s such a weird time of the day. Many people _– and Dean tries not to think about Seth curled up warm in his bed_ – are asleep in their beds, or just waking up to start their morning routine, while others are coming back from night shifts and just going to bed. The sun is just rising, tempting people from their beds.

 

He doesn’t like this morning, however. Because instead of being in bed with Seth ( _where he knows he belongs_ ) he’s out here, hands clutched around a cup of coffee while he waits for the world to wake up so he can fall into the arms of his best friend. Dean tries his hardest not to stare at every male runner and dog walker that goes past him, because he knows there’s a very slim chance that any of them are this _Antonio_ but he can’t help but wonder.

 

Has he ever seen him before? What does he have, what’s he done that made Seth forget about his love for poor old Dean? Doesn’t matter though, Dean will probably never know. If Seth grants him his last wish, he won’t speak to Seth again. He’ll let Roman heal his broken heart – _because Roman’s always there with the bandages and the tape to stick it all back together again the best he can_ – and he’ll do what he’s always done, get up and throw punches. He’ll just try and go on, the same way he did before Seth came into his life, he’ll just exist even though he really doesn’t want to.

 

Dean sits there for a long time, so long that his coffee goes freezing cold and he ends up chucking half of it away. He watches the sun rise and the street across from the park slowly start to come alive. His phone comes alive with it, though, and he knows that Seth’s awake and hasn’t granted him his last wish. Would it be so hard? That’s the one thing he’d asked of him, the last thing he’d said ( _well second to last, just before the, I love you._ ) He doesn’t want to talk to Seth. He ignores the endless streams of calls, but he opens the messages that come surging through when he gives up calling.

 

_Dean please pick up_

_Dean_

_Answer the phone so we can talk_

_Babe please please answer the phone we need to talk_

_Dean i’m begging you_

_Dean_

_I’m sorry._

His phone finally goes quiet after half an hour, but the streets around him are bustling and alive. Its quarter past ten now, and Dean’s so cold he can barely feel his toes, and thinks it’s a good a time as any to call Roman. He struggles to find his number with his numb fingers, but gets there, and Roman picks up after a few short rings.

 

_“Hey Deano.”_

“Hey Ro, didn’t wake you or anythin’ did I?” Dean asks, just to make sure.

 

_“Nah, course not. Wouldn’t matter anyway, you only ring in a morning when it’s serious. What’s wrong?”_ Of course Roman would know. Roman _always knows._

 

Dean takes a breath; he hasn’t said it yet, even though it’s been going through his head for the past few hours. “Seth and I, we uh, Seth was cheating on me. I left him.”

 

_“What? Are you serious dude? Where are you?”_ Roman’s voice raises a few decibels with each word.

 

“At the park. I left before he woke up this morning.”

 

_“Dean, jesus how long have you been there? No, don’t answer that. Come over right now, you need me to pick you up?”_

 

“No, I got my car. I’ll be there in a bit.” Dean breathes, standing up and feeling his bones crack. “Thanks, man.”

 

_“You got nothing to thank me for, Dean. Just get your ass over here I’m making pancakes.”_

 

 

xXx

 

 

“I needed that.” Dean says, setting his plate down on Roman’s coffee table. He’s nestled in Roman’s side on his couch, and Roman’s got his arms around him. They haven’t talked about _it_ yet. When he’d got to Roman’s he’d just been pulled into the apartment and into a smothering Samoan hug before being pushed into the living room for a breakfast of pancakes and bananas. Roman threads his hands through Dean’s hair and lets him bury his face into his chest.

 

“I’m sorry Dean, I’m really sorry.” Roman says, pressing soft kisses into is curls.

 

“I just, why? Why would he do that, Rome? He said he loved me. He told me over and over again, he didn’t do anything out of place that made me suspect anything and then, and then I hear _that._ ” New tears form at Dean’s eyes, and Roman lifts Dean’s face to wipe them away from his friends eyes.

 

“He’s an idiot, that’s why. He’s a crazy, blind, delusional motherfucker if he thinks anyone else in the world is better than you, Dean. I promise you, he’s an idiot. He’s a fucking idiot.” Roman repeats it. He keeps saying it until Dean’s not crying so violently into his chest. Roman’s not a violent or a necessarily angry person, but the day Seth Rollins hurt his best friend, is a day Seth Rollins will live to regret.  


	2. left me crashing in a blazing fall, all you ever did was wreck me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He scoops Dean into his arms as gently as he can, lifting him from the couch. 
> 
> “Ro,” Dean grumbles, having stirred from his sleep, and tries to wriggle from Roman’s grip. “Whatta’ you doin’?” 
> 
> Roman holds him tight as he carries him towards the stairs. “Takin’ you to bed, tiger.” 
> 
> “I can walk.” 
> 
> “Don’t care.” Roman flips the lights off using his elbow, and Dean stops struggling in his grip, clearly too tired to argue the situation further. He wraps his arms around Roman’s neck, supporting some of his own wait, and nuzzles his face into Roman’s neck. 
> 
> Roman drops him onto the bed with a soft flump, and Dean rolls to his side. They even share a bed, and yet Dean’s still not his. Dean lazily pulls of his clothes down to his boxers before slipping under the covers. Roman does the same and turns the lights out before slipping into bed beside Dean. 
> 
> He really shouldn’t get used to this, because it could end at any time. Dean might find someone else, someone that isn’t him or Seth, and Dean will be gone, just like that. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to get used to wrapping his arms around Dean at night. But he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well hello. this took longer than it should, because it took a bit to write. there's mentions of abuse so if you don't want to read ahead, don't! sigh. poor roman. just keep a special little place in your heart for this chapter, please. BUT. on a happier note, i started a writing challenge a few days ago, so pop to my tumblr and join in! (please??....) i'm also taking prompts, so if you'd like to request a fic or even something more of what i've already done, then send me a prompt at psychrollins! thank you to all the lovely kudos and reviews, you guys are really, really wonderful. enjoy!

“You’re cooking tonight, taking on an extra shift at Jack’s bar, opening night and all.” Roman says through a mouthful of cereal. Dean groans and sips on his coffee.

 

“As long as you’re ok with pasta and sauce from a jar.”

 

"You know I'm happy with anything you do, Deano." Dean's been living with him for about three months, after his initial break up with Seth, Dean was only meant to be staying for about a month before he found his own place. But when the time came and Dean had a place picked out, Roman didn't want him to leave. He'd quickly gotten used to having Dean in his personal space, and though he won't ever tell his best friend, he's practically in love with him.

 

So Roman told Dean that he didn't have to go. And he put up a pretty good case as to why he should stay - no matter how many times Dean said that he didn't want to put Roman out, Roman always had a reason why he wouldn't be - and so Dean stayed.

 

Roman really enjoys having Dean around him all the time, even when the younger man is crying into his shoulder about Seth, he's just happy that Dean got out when he did, before Seth put the truth on his shoulders and crushed him even more.

 

"You're a dork." Dean says, shoving Roman's shoulder slightly as he heads up stairs for a shower. Roman smiles fondly after him before finishing up his cereal. It's been nice coming home to someone and having someone come home to him after so long of being alone. Even if it's not in a romantic sense, hearing Dean's voice after a long day at work sends shivers through his body. He likes collapsing into Dean's arms when he walks through the door, even if he knows that Dean wishes he was still with Seth.

 

Dean's promised him that no matter what Seth does or says, he's not going to go crawling back to him if the opportunity presents itself. But Roman knows Dean, and he knows that he's completely in love with Seth and his words mean nothing at this early stage. But he's ok with that, sort of anyway. Because all he wants is for Dean to be happy, and if Seth makes him happy, well there's not much he can really do about that other than support him.

 

He makes his own way up the stairs to get ready, and when he enters the bedroom, he can hear Dean singing from the bathroom and he can't help but laugh. The idea of Dean ever moving out is enough to scare himself to death.

 

 

xXx

 

 

The new bar is packed, and all of his boss' fears about it being a flop can all wash down the drain. Roman's never worked such a busy night, but that doesn't stop him from noticing that two toned little shit sitting in one of the back booths with a group of people.

 

Upon Dean's request, Roman didn't actively seek Seth out to give him a piece of his mind. But he promised himself that if he sees him, he won't hesitate. He hasn't had the chance yet, he's been rushed off his feet all evening with food orders and serving drinks, but he plans to later. He tries to catch his attention a few times, only to give him a cold stare, but Seth doesn't look up from the table much at all. The few moments he does, Roman manages to see the tired, lifeless expression that seems carved into his once happy face.

 

The man beside him, a muscular guy with short shaved hair talks loudly with the others on his table, only taking the time to talk to Seth every so often.

 

He does get the chance to make Seth notice him, when Layla asks whether he can serve their table from now on, as one of the guys keeps trying to feel her up. Roman tells her he will, and intends to do something about their inappropriate behaviour. When they call for another round of drinks, Roman restrains himself from doing something unprofessional like spitting in their drinks, and plasters on his best asshole smile.

 

He slams Seth's beer down hard on the table, causing him to jump. His eyes widen considerably when he looks up at Roman, and Roman can see the faint smudges of a black eye on Seth's face. He slams the rest of the drinks down, and the man beside Seth looks at him with stony eyes.

 

"Watch your fucking attitude, mate."

 

Roman almost growls, but contains himself when Seth gives him an almost pleading look. He doesn't do shit for Seth Rollins, but he doesn't need to get fired. "I don't have an attitude," He says in the calmest voice he can, "But it would be nice if you refrained from groping our staff members. If not, I'll happily have you escorted from the premises. Have a nice evening." He smiles, sickeningly sweet, and glances at Seth one more time before walking away from the table.

 

They leave not long after that, Seth tries his hardest to slip away unnoticed but Roman catches him by the door.

 

"Listen to me, Seth. So far you've gotten off lightly for what you did to Dean. You're lucky I'm working right now, or I'd be adding to that shiner that someone else gave you. Just you wait, nobody hurts Dean and gets away with it." Seth opens his mouth to speak, but Roman shakes his head and walks away.

 

Layla thanks him for taking them on and slips him a couple of bottles of Dean's favourite premium beer to take home. He thanks her and slips them into his bag before Jack sees and goes back to serving the polite couple near the door.

 

He gets home to the smell of lasagne at half past eight with Dean plating up the steaming food as he steps into the kitchen. It's all a little too domesticated for just friends, but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't want to lose this, the feeling of home. He'll forget for now, that they're basically acting like a married couple, and just enjoy having Dean around.

 

"That smells really good." He says, pulling the beers from his bag and going to the draw to get the bottle opener.

 

"Yeah well if it doesn't taste good, we're blaming AJ." Dean laughs, setting the food down on the table. The two of them settle down to eat and Roman takes the first mouthful. He's not expecting it to be bad, but he's not expecting it to be as good as it is. He chews slowly, slowly, savouring the flavours and Dean looks at him, waiting for the crit.

 

"Well?"

 

Roman swallows, then slowly lets the smile creep onto his face.

 

"It's really fucking good, Dean." The relief floods Dean's face, his shoulders relaxing as he goes to take his own first bite.

 

"Jesus Rome, scared the shit outta' me." Dean takes a forkful to his mouth and chews a few times before shrugging.

 

"Knew AJ would come in handy for something, could never have done it without her handwritten instructions."

 

They eat their food with comfortable conversation and flop down on the sofa when they're done with another bottle of beer. Dean nuzzles himself into Roman's side, and Roman's hands thread into his hair.

 

"Anything exciting happen at the bar?" Dean asks, idly flipping through the television channels. He knows he should tell him that he saw Seth, and that he may have possibly threatened to drill his ass into the pavement, but Dean's so relaxed and happy right now that he doesn't want to ruin it by bringing Seth up. Sometimes the mere mention of his name is enough to make him start crying, so Roman decides to avoid the subject and deal with Seth in secret.

 

"Nah," He says finally, "A few guys tried to grope Layla but I dealt with it. It was pretty busy though, didn't stop all night. Wasn't the flop Jack worried it would be." Roman adds for good measure, twisting a curl of Dean's hair around his finger.

 

"Bet Jack's gonna' make a fortune now, two successful bar's and his wife’s a lawyer. Whatta' life." Roman gives the top of Dean's head a confused stare.

 

"I guess, if you like that sort of thing."

 

Dean looks up at him, raising an eyebrow. "You don't like the idea of that? Being successful with a family?"

 

Roman shrugs, "I do, but Jack's so busy at the bar and Brie's at work for silly hours, they never see a lot of each other. Not really a family to me, if I'm honest. If you're gonna have a career, have a career, don't try and juggle both, y'know? A family should wake up together, sit down to eat together, go to bed together." Roman says, leaving out the like we do that's on the back of his tongue. 

 

"Spose’ you're right. I'd probably die if I had a girlfriend as good looking as Brie but didn't get to have sex every night." Roman laughs, fluffing Dean's hair and sets his beer on the floor so he can wrap his arms around Dean.  

They’re quiet for the rest of the night, just enjoying each other’s company, enjoying the feel of each other’s body heat. Dean falls asleep at just past eleven, his breathing slowing and coming out in soft little puffs every few moments.

 

Roman smiles down at him, and wonders how this ever managed to happen. For a long time, he’d watched Seth and Dean slowly come together, becoming nothing short of a model couple, and he’d still managed to keep his feelings to himself. And now, he’s sort of where he’s always wanted to be. Except he’s not, really. Because he doesn’t need to ask Dean to know that he still loves Seth with all of his heart. But he’ll take what he can get. It’s not enough, but it’s something.

 

He scoops Dean into his arms as gently as he can, lifting him from the couch.

 

“Ro,” Dean grumbles, having stirred from his sleep, and tries to wriggle from Roman’s grip. “Whatta’ you doin’?”

 

Roman holds him tight as he carries him towards the stairs. “Takin’ you to bed, tiger.”

 

“I can walk.”

 

“Don’t care.” Roman flips the lights off using his elbow, and Dean stops struggling in his grip, clearly too tired to argue the situation further. He wraps his arms around Roman’s neck, supporting some of his own wait, and nuzzles his face into Roman’s neck.

 

Roman drops him onto the bed with a soft flump, and Dean rolls to his side. They even share a bed, and yet Dean’s still not his. Dean lazily pulls of his clothes down to his boxers before slipping under the covers. Roman does the same and turns the lights out before slipping into bed beside Dean.

 

He really shouldn’t get used to this, because it could end at any time. Dean might find someone else, someone that isn’t him or Seth, and Dean will be gone, just like that. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to get used to wrapping his arms around Dean at night. But he has.

 

 

 

xXx

 

 

 

Natalya’s wedding is a month later, and nothing has changed. Dean’s still living with Roman, and he doesn’t cry over Seth so much. Roman’s no closer to actually telling Dean that he’s sort of maybe in love with him, but he doesn’t think he ever will be.

 

Natalya is one of their closest friends and has been for years. Originally, Dean and Seth were invited as a couple, and Roman on his own. Dean doesn’t ask Roman whether he thinks Seth will still go, so he doesn’t bring it up, but he knows that it’s at the back of both their minds.

 

Roman pulls the car up to the church and kills the engine. He turns to Dean whose fussing with the sleeves of his suit jacket - and he’d never realised just how good Dean looked in a suit until this morning - and nudges his shoulder with his fist.

 

“You OK Deano?” Dean looks at him and gives him a small smile.

 

“Yeah, m’fine. Come on, let’s go inside.”

 

The two of them make their way up the path, taking the order of service and the flowers to go in their lapels. They’re not the first guests and they’re not the last, so they take a seat in the middle pews and flip through the order of service. TJ’s at the top of the alter with his best man, looking as nervous as hell.

 

Seth does turn up, eventually. Roman and Dean hear him mutter a few apologies as he gets to a seat, but it’s Dean who turns to look at him first. It takes him a second to turn back to Roman, his eyes wide and full of so much pain.

 

“He brought someone. He actually brought someone.” When Roman looks over at him, he notices that it’s the same muscular guy who was at the bar a month ago, the one who told him to watch his attitude. Seth’s hunched over in his seat, eyes downcast towards the floor. When he finally looks up, he looks straight at Roman. His eyes go wide and looks away quickly before Roman can glare at him. He doesn’t miss the finger print bruises on Seth’s neck.

 

“He’s an idiot Dean, told you that before. Don’t think about him, I got you.” Roman places his hand on Dean’s knee and squeezes it slightly.

 

“Thanks Ro.”

 

X

 

 

The ceremony went ahead without a hitch, and Dean and Roman had managed to avoid Seth and his - whoever he is - and got to the hotel the reception was being held at in good time. Roman makes sure that they’re placed as far away from Seth and the mystery guy as they can, and makes sure that he keeps Dean occupied so he doesn’t think about Seth. He’s managed to keep it up for the most part of the night, pulling people to their table to talk to, not giving Dean a chance to be alone with his own mind. They’re about to leave - and Seth went missing not long ago, so Roman thinks that it’s OK to leave Dean alone for just a little while.

 

“Gonna’ take a piss before we go, you alright to wait here?”

 

“Yeah, course.” Roman pats his head and heads towards the toilets. They’re a far walk away from the main ballroom of the hotel, close to the back entrance. He’s halfway to pushing the door to the rest room when he hears a familiar voice say, “Please, please you know I only love you.” It’s familiar, too familiar - and it should make him want to just turn around and leave - but he  follows the sound. There’s a back door leading to the gardens and he pushes it open, feeling the cold night air hit his hot skin.

 

Seth’s backed up against the wall, the mystery guy from the bar pinning him there with a crazed look on his face.

 

“Then why were you looking over at him, huh? I thought you were over at him? Remember who you left him for!” The guy pulls his arm back, and Seth automatically shrinks closer to the wall, closing his eyes and waiting for the impact.

 

It never comes, though. Roman’s quite sure how and why he does it, but before he can think about it, he’s caught the guys hand in mid air, stopping the fist from connecting with Seth’s face.

 

“Get your hands off me.” He snarls, trying to pull his wrist from Roman’s grip. Roman doesn’t let go, tightening his fingers as Seth opens his eyes and stares at Roman in shock.

 

“No. Now back the fuck off. I don’t know what the fucks going on, but I do know that you don’t put your hands on your partner.” Roman says almost deathly calm, and Seth winces.

 

“What’s it matter to you? You don’t know a damn thing.”

 

“Oh I sure do. Him?” He points to Seth with his free hand, “Cheated on my best friend. And presumably, you’re the guy he cheated with. So, please excuse me if you think I’m being rude, but I don’t give a shit. Now, I’m going to let go of you, and you’re going to leave. Seth’s going to stay here so we can talk. You got that?” The guy goes to protest, but Roman raises an eyebrow, challenging him as he tightens his grip even more. The guy finally nods, ripping his hand away from Roman’s fingers and slinking away back into the hotel.

 

There’s a moment of silence before Seth lets out a long shaky breath.

 

“Thanks.” He whispers, voice shy and scared.

 

“Didn’t do it for you, Seth. Don’t even know why I did it, to be honest. Because there’s nothing more that I’d like to see than you get your ass kicked. But no matter how much of a scumbag I think you are, you partner shouldn’t but their hands on you. No matter how much of an idiot you are.” Seth looks to the ground, fighting the urge to cry.

 

“I just wanted to catch Dean’s attention, just wanted to see his face.” Roman can barely hear him, his voice is so quiet and it wavers a lot.

 

“If you wanted his attention, you shouldn’t have cheated on him Seth. Before he knew, god you were his world Seth. You sorta’ still are. You don’t get to want his attention anymore, you cheated.” Roman explains, like he’s talking to a child.

 

“Why? Why would you do it, Seth? You two were great together? Dean fucking loved you. He’s never been that way with anyone before, you were different from the others. And then you went and proved that you were the same as them, you were going to leave.” He continues, when Seth doesn’t respond.

 

“Do you know how much I’d have given to have been you five months ago?” He asks, and Seth’s head snaps up in surprise.

 

“What? Wait, you-”

 

“Yeah. I do. But that’s never going to happen, is it? Because he’ll never stop being in love with you Seth. You had the best person in the world in the palm of your hands and you threw it away. For what, Seth? A guy who throws you around like you’re some fucking rag doll? Look at the state of you, you had a black eye at that bar and now you look like you’ve been strangled. Is he doing that to you?” Seth’s hand reaches up to touch the bruises on his neck, and nods twice.

 

“You have to leave him, Seth. I hate you, I really do, but you can’t stay with him.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Yes you can, you can get help.”

 

“You don’t understand!” Roman sighs, taking in Seth’s shaking figure before looking at his watch.

 

“I gotta’ go. If I see you again, and you’re still with that prick, I’m gonna’ knock his teeth down his throat. Not for you, but for Dean.” He leaves Seth shaking in the gardens and goes to take a piss.

 

 

X

 

 

Dean’s bored now, Roman said he was going to the toilet, but that was at least ten minutes ago. There’s no one interesting left to talk to, so he pulls Natalya aside and asks her tell Roman he’s waiting in the car when he comes out the bathroom. He gives her a final congratulations before leaving the ballroom and heading out into the cool night. His feet crunch on the gravel as he makes his way to where Roman parked the car, but he’s stopped in his tracks when he hears a voice.

 

“Dean.” He knows who it is straight away, and it makes his heart hammer violently in his chest. He should walk away, pretend he never heard his name and walk to the car. But he can’t, and he slowly turns around before he can think about doing anything else.

 

Seth’s standing there, his suit hanging off him slightly, his neat bun dishevelled. He looks tired, like he hasn’t slept in months, but the sight of him still makes Dean’s heart race.

 

“What do you want, Seth?” Seth takes a step forward, his movements nervous and slightly skittish, and Dean’s never know Seth to be nervous.

 

“I just wanted to know how you are, see your face.” Seth looks to floor, ringing his hands. This is not the Seth Dean knows. This is not the Seth that ran his fingers up and down Dean’s arms on their first date, this is not the Seth that used to practically dry hump him in public places. This is not Seth at all.

 

“Why do you care?” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, willing the pains in his chest to just stop.

 

“I never meant to hurt you.” Seth whispers, so quiet that Dean barely hears.

 

“Well you did, Seth. So get over it, move on, like you already have.”

 

“Dean it’s not what you--”

 

“Don’t Seth, just, I don’t want to hear it right now. I’m gonna’ go, Ro’s gonna’ be waiting for me.” Seth looks up at him sadly, tears in his eyes.

 

“You, you and Roman?”

 

Dean sighs, “No, not me and Roman. Not right now, anyway. Maybe one day, when this,” Dean points to his heart, “Doesn’t hurt so much.” Dean takes a few steps backwards, shoving his hands into his pockets.

 

“Have a nice night Seth.” He turns, leaving Seth standing in the middle of the car park. He gets to Roman’s car, and leans up against the passenger side door. His heart thunders, feeling like it’s going to break out of his ribcage, he doesn’t notice Roman approach the car until he unlocks it.

 

“You alright, tiger?” Dean looks to Roman, his best friend, the only person whose been there for him this whole time, and his heart settles slightly in his chest.

 

“Yeah, yeah I will be. Let’s go home.”

 

Yeah. Home. With Roman. He likes that.


	3. together, we'll make it through the day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s only one thing, one person that could ever make Seth feel like the world couldn’t touch him, but Dean’s not here. And Dean probably won’t ever be here ever again. 
> 
> Seth crawls under the covers and wraps them tightly around his body. It’s not going to shield him from anything, but it’s the best he can do. He closes his eyes, picturing Dean slipping in behind him and wrapping his arms around him, protecting him from the world. He falls to sleep pretending that he’s there, breathing into his neck. But he knows that when the breathing does eventually hit his neck, it’s not Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it. the final installment of this short fic, and it's been an emotional one. thank you to everyone whose comented and left kudos and been wonderful, thank you thank you thank you. i wouldn't have made it to the end of this without you. this overall fic is finished, but i'm gonna be doing some drabbles and stuff based on this work, so if you'd like to see something that wasn't mentioned, then send me a prompt at my tumblr psychrollins and i'll definitely get to it. please head the warnings of domestic abuse and talk of suicide. if that causes problems, please do not read. thank you for staying with me and please tell me what you thought of this, comments make me smile.

Seth realises, when he’s picking glass out of his side, that his mother is always right. She’d always warned him that his decision making skills were going to get him into a lot trouble. He of course, always ignored her. Because he was growing up, right? You’re meant to make a few mistakes along the line, that’s what you learnt from in order to put things right.

 

But now, Seth thinks that he should probably listen to his mother more often. Because this mistake, he’s learning from it, but he’s not got a clue how to put it right. He can’t put it right. He’s made the mother, the God of all bad decisions and he’s pretty sure he’s going to pay for it in another life.

 

Not only has he really hurt someone he cares, no loves, he’s also hurt himself. He’s hurting himself.

 

Seth plucks the final shard of glass from his side and tosses the tweezers into the glass and blood filled sink. He didn’t think about anyone else when he did what he did, and now he’s paying for being so selfish.

 

He puts the tweezers back in the cabinet and turns on the tap, letting the water wash the glass and his blood swirl down the drain. He bathes the cuts in antiseptic before pulling on a shirt.

 

He can hear Roman’s voice clear in his head, it was a month ago, at Natalya’s wedding, and he could still hear him crystal clear. “Do you know how much I would have given to be you five months ago?” God damn it, Roman was in love with Dean too. And there Seth was, pushing him closer and closer to getting what he’d always wanted. And Seth’s going to allow himself to be a little selfish here, even though he knows he has no right to be, he really doesn’t want Dean to fall into the arms of Roman.

 

But Seth can’t do anything about it, because he’s trapped. He’s trapped in a suddenly dark space of nothing but fear and pain and hatred.

 

It’s so different to what he’s used to, and he wishes he’d have thought about what he was doing a little more before he actually went and did stuff. But yeah, he’s got himself here and he’s sort of dealing with it the best he can.

 

With a sigh, Seth hobbles (his leg still feels funny from the _fall_ down the stairs, he’s not sure how he’s going to drive to work tomorrow) out of the bathroom and switches out the lights. His house plunges into darkness, but it doesn’t make Seth feel any safer. There’s only one thing, one person that could ever make Seth feel like the world couldn’t touch him, but Dean’s not here. And Dean probably won’t ever be here ever again.

 

Seth crawls under the covers and wraps them tightly around his body. It’s not going to shield him from anything, but it’s the best he can do. He closes his eyes, picturing Dean slipping in behind him and wrapping his arms around him, protecting him from the world. He falls to sleep pretending that he’s there, breathing into his neck. But he knows that when the breathing does eventually hit his neck, it’s not Dean.

 

 

 

xXx

 

 

 

Things at home are a little different after Natalya’s wedding, and Roman knows why. He doesn’t need to be a genius to figure out that Dean saw Seth; he only has to sleep beside him to know that. Dean starts having nightmares again, the main phrase being, “I miss you too.” He feels guilty about not telling Dean that he’s spoken to Seth a few times since their break up, and even guiltier about the fact that he hasn’t told him about Seth’s situation.

 

Roman still hates Seth, doesn’t think that’s ever going to change really, but no matter how much of an ass Seth is, the guy doesn’t deserve to be knocked about like that. He wouldn’t mind taking a pop at Seth himself, but that’s different. Seth isn’t in a relationship with him. But he just doesn’t know how to tell Dean. How can he tell him that his ex is getting abused by his new partner? Roman knows that Dean’s still fiercely protective over Seth, because it’s not something you just lose. That instinct doesn’t just leave when the person does.

 

He’ll tell him soon maybe. Now’s not the right time, Dean’s still fragile, all he needs to do is get Dean back to his old self. He’ll focus on that for now.

 

Roman grabs his bag and heads out of the bar for his lunch break. He isn’t quite used to working at the bar in the middle of the day, but since Jack’s been successful in his ventures, he’s opened up the bars in the day selling food too. So going out and getting lunch is new to him, but he’s making it work. Sometimes, when he and Dean have the same break, they have food together, but that’s not today, so Roman heads over to the cafe over the road to grab a sandwich.

 

He gets his usual and takes a seat at the back. He’s halfway through his sandwich, when Seth hobbles through the door. Roman’s in two minds about acknowledging him, but the way Seth cradles his body as he walks to the counter has him beckoning him over once he has his food. Seth comes over, though with some difficulty, and sits opposite Roman. There’s new bruises covering his face, his lips a little swollen, it’s clear that he’s still with the guy that he was with at the wedding. Seth bows his head when he realises that Roman’s staring at his face and Roman lets out a long sigh.

 

“I’m not going to lie to you Seth, you look like shit.” Is the first thing that Roman says, wiping his hands on his napkin. Seth shrinks into his seat and Roman sort of regrets being truthful, he probably could have said that better, if he’s honest. But it’s definitely true. Seth looks like he’s been in the ring with Michael Tyson for far too long, looks like he’s been ill for the past how many months and just let it consume him.

 

“Why haven’t you left him yet?” Roman says, softer this time, leaning his elbows on the table. Seth looks up now, wringing his hands.

 

“It’s hard Roman. I can’t just leave him, he won’t let me. I can’t escape him.” There are tears in his eyes, and a little piece of Roman’s heart breaks. It shouldn’t, because he doesn’t like the man sitting in front of him enough, but he does. And maybe his hearts betraying him, but there’s still that soft spot hiding in there somewhere for the man.

 

“Seth, listen,” Roman leans forward a bit, shielding everyone from their conversation, and looks Seth directly in the eye, “I know I told you at the wedding that I er, you know, with Dean, but my main concern is that Dean’s happy. And ever since the wedding, Dean’s had nightmares about you. Just after he’d got rid of them, what did you say to him?” Seth looks down at his untouched food before looking up at Roman through his veil of hair.

 

“Just that I wanted to see him,” Seth’s eyes go sad, and he sniffles just a little, “I told him I never wanted to hurt him.” Roman scrubs his hand over his face. That definitely describes the nightmares Dean’s been having. Roman doesn’t know what to say to Seth anymore, so he takes another bite out of his sandwich. He watches how Seth only picks at his food, and flinches every time a chair scrapes across the floor or plates clink together. He keeps looking around nervously and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.

 

Seth starts shaking when a large man enters the cafe, and Roman can’t quite figure out what’s going on, and he can’t seem to get Seth to calm down, either.

 

“You don’t understand, Roman, oh God this is awful, he just needs to leave I can’t have him see- Oh shit OK he’s seen me, fuck he’s coming over OK just follow my lead.” Seth babbles on at the speed of lighting as the guy approaches their table.

 

“Hey Seth, nice to see you.” Seth puts on his best smile for the guy and honestly tries to pretend he’s happy to see him.

 

“Hey Randy, how are you?”

 

“I’m good, works been good, can’t complain.” Roman notices how Randy doesn’t ask how Seth is. Not that he really needs to ask how he is; anyone can see that Seth is not OK. Or maybe he just doesn’t care, he wonders if there’s anyone left to care for Seth now. Randy’s eyes flicker over to him and a flash of fear crosses Seth’s face.

 

“This is uh, my cousin Roman.” Seth says, motioning to him, and Roman takes this as his cue to offer Randy his hand. Randy takes it, eyes locking onto his and growing a little darker.

 

“Nice to meet you, Roman.”

 

“Likewise.” Roman says, though he’s pretty sure Randy can tell that it’s not true. He continues to make small talk with Seth before leaving, though it does nothing to calm Seth down.

 

“I have to go now, I uh, don’t know if I’ll see you anytime soon, so yeah. Please look after Dean, I’m sorry. I’m just, I’m gonna go. Bye Roman.” Seth hurries away, leaving a half eaten sandwich and his jacket, but he’s gone before he can even call him back. Roman’s head swims with everything Seth just said. He can’t seem to figure him out anymore, and nothing about him makes sense anymore. But maybe that’s because he was never the one who could figure him out. Dean always knew how to get through to Seth, no matter what was going on, Dean just knew how to handle Seth-centric stuff. He’s probably way out of his depth here, but he’s got to try, at least.

 

His breaks almost over, so he finishes up his sandwich and grabs Seth’s coat from the back of the chair and drapes it over his arm. Roman heads back to the bar and goes through the rest of his shift in a zombie like state. He can’t get the look on Seth’s face when he left out of his head, he can’t erase the marring and the scars that glistened across his old friends face. He wants to throw up. Roman’s not sure why he does it, but when he’s collecting his own stuff from the back, he digs his hand into the pocket of Seth’s jacket. Roman’s not expecting to find much at all, but his heart drops when he pulls out two packets of pills. He knows they’re not normal pills as soon as he sees the packaging. These aren’t over the counter pills like paracetamol, they’re backstreet drugs. Propoxyphene is scrawled on a little white label, and though Roman’s never heard of it, he’s pretty sure it’s not a harmless sleeping tablet.

 

He shoves them back into Seth’s jacket and collects his own stuff before heading out to his car. His hands are shaking as he unlocks the door and slips into the driver’s seat. He pulls his phone out immediately and taps the word Propoxyphene into the search engine. He was right; these are definitely not sold over the counter. In fact, they’ve been withdrawn for a long time; they’re a well known suicide drug. Roman clicks off the page quickly, chucking his phone into the passenger seat. His heart hammers in his chest and he feels sick. This isn’t the Seth that Roman knows, Seth Rollins doesn’t give up. He’s known that for as long as he’s known him. Roman can’t hate him anymore, not when he’s hurting more than anyone could realise. He didn’t think that the situation was as bad as this, but now he does, and he’s got to do something about it. He can’t just sit back like there’s nothing going on, if anything ever happened to Seth and he hadn’t warned anyone, well it would be his entire fault.

 

He composes himself before starting up the car. Roman knows what he needs to do, because he can’t do this on his own. He really can’t try and save someone who probably doesn’t even want to be saved. But he knows Seth, even if Seth doesn’t think so, he knows that no matter how much Seth is hurting; there is someone who can make it all go away. No matter how he denies it all Seth still cares about Dean. He doesn’t have to say it to anyone’s face, Roman just knows. Dean needs to know, though what he chooses to do with the information is up to Dean.

 

Roman manages to make it home without crashing the car, which is a miracle according to how much his hands are shaking. He’s really worried, so maybe he’s got two packets of Seth’s pills, but who’s to say that Seth doesn’t have more pills back at home?

 

Dean’s cooking in the kitchen when he makes his way through the house, and he looks so happy that Roman’s heart breaks even more.

 

“Hey Roman, I’m making that lasagne again, seeing as we actually liked it last time,” He turns to face Roman, the smile instantly falling from his face when he sees Roman. “Ro, are you OK?” He looks down to the stuff in his hands, face crumpling when he looks at the jacket crumpled in Roman’s hand. “Is that, that’s Seth’s coat.” Dean states. Roman nods, clenching it in his fist.

 

“Dean, we uh, we need to talk. About Seth.”

 

 

 

xXx

 

 

 

Seth knows he should never have lied, hell he should never have gone over and sat with Roman. That was the mistake; it was so stupid of him. Of course Antonio knew who Roman was; they’d met at the wedding. So telling Randy that Roman was his cousin was a really bad idea, because of course Antonio had told him to keep his eyes open for Roman. He’s not even sure how he’s alive right now, he can’t even move. How stupid is he? To think that Antonio wouldn’t call him out on today. But maybe this is his fault, maybe he should have realised what sort of person Antonio was when they were kids.

 

He understands now, just how much pain Dean used to be in when his shoulder was bad. Antonio hadn’t stopped kicking him when his shoulder popped and went into a funny angle. Now he can barely move, his ribs are on fire, his head’s pounding and he can’t even feel his left arm. He doesn’t have the right to do what he’s about to do, but he does it anyway.

 

Seth scoots himself slowly over to the telephone table, unable to stand and manages to grab the phone from its cradle. He lets out a long breath, exhausted already from his small amounts of movement, and slowly dials Dean’s number. He’s never forgotten it, so it doesn’t matter that his mobile is upstairs where his number is stored. The phone rings out for a long time, so long that Seth’s pretty sure that Dean’s not going to answer. He almost ends the call, until there’s a crackle and Dean’s soft voice filters through the phone. It’s so nice to hear that Seth starts to cry.

 

“Hello?”

 

Seth chokes back a sob, partly from Dean’s voice and partly from the pain rocketing through his body at the movement his crying creates. “Dean, Dean I need you, please.”

 

There’s a sharp intake of breath down the line some shuffling and then Dean’s talking again, rushed and concerned. “Seth, Seth are you OK? What’s happened, oh God Roman told me about pills, please Seth tell me you haven’t done anything?”

 

“No, no, I uh, shit, please can you just, will you come over?” Dean rushes out his yes’, tells him that he’ll be right there and that everything is going to be OK. Seth lets the phone fall onto the floor and lets a small piece of him relax. Things might not be OK right now, but Dean’s going to be here, so they will be. He doesn’t want Dean to find him sprawled across the floor like this, though he knows he can’t get up without help, so Seth musters all of the energy that is left in his body, and crawls with his good arm over to the couch. He can’t sit on it, he knows that much, so he settles for leaning against it. The house is a mess, but there’s nothing he can do about it now.

 

Seth can feel the blood drying on his neck now and he wants to wipe it away, but he doesn’t have the energy. He should have listened to his mother, and he should have listened to Roman. Seth should really stop thinking now, it’s hurting his head. He probably has concussion, that vase that Antonio threw at him hit him harder than anything had before.

 

Dean barrels through the door five minutes later, shouting Seth’s name until he reaches the living room and spots Seth sitting against the couch.

 

“Shit Seth, what, what happened?” Dean’s voice wavers dangerously, like he’s about to cry, as he kneels down beside Seth, eyes scanning over him.

 

Seth looks up at him sadly, but so happy to see Dean, “I was an idiot, that’s what happened,” Seth looks at his badly displaced shoulder and then back to Dean. “I sort of know how you felt with your shoulders now.” Dean sucks in a breath, tears pooling in his eyes.

 

“I need to call an ambulance.”

 

“No!” Seth says quickly, grabbing onto Dean to stop him from moving, the pain shoots through him at the sudden movement and he has to scrunch his face up to stop him from shouting out.

 

“Antonio works at the hospital, he’ll know. They’ll all tell him.” Seth pleads, fingers digging into Dean’s wrist. “You need to do it for me.” Dean starts to shake his head, so Seth moves his fingers down to link with Dean’s. It feels good, more than good, to hold Dean’s hand like this. He hasn’t held hands with anyone since Dean left and Seth’s missed this far too much.

 

“Please Dean, I trust you.” Dean is silent for a moment, and then nods slowly. He squeezes Seth’s hand reassuringly before letting go and prompting Seth to lie down on the floor. He’s done this a couple of times and Seth knows it, so he knows he’s got nothing to worry about. Dean has to gently rip the shirt Seth’s wearing to get it from his body, before proceeding to slip his hand under the jaunted angle of Seth’s shoulder blade. The ripped remnants of Seth’s shirt are in his mouth, for something to bite on when the pain comes. Dean looks him in the eye, a silent, are you ready, and Seth nods, shutting his eyes. Dean places his other hand over the front of Seth’s shoulder and gently starts to roll his arm. He rolls harder and harder until he feels and hears that familiar popping sound and a muffled cry comes from Seth’s mouth.

 

Dean lets out a sigh of relief, and Seth opens his tear filled eyes. The pain dissipates, lulling to a throbbing ache, and Dean leans down to press a gentle kiss to Seth’s forehead. His whole body tingles at the feel of Dean’s lips on his skin, its the most intimacy he’s had in weeks.

 

“I’m gonna’ get you cleaned up, alright?” Dean pushes himself from the floor and heads into the kitchen. He comes back with a damp cloth, medical tape and wrapping and antiseptic. Dean cleans him up mostly in silence, his fingers dancing lightly over Seth’s skin, causing goose bumps to form. He feels for broken ribs, and informs him that none are broken, thankfully, they’re just bruised.

 

Once Seth’s all patched up, Dean helps him to lie down on the couch. Seth thinks that Dean’s going to leave, and he really doesn’t want him too, but he doesn’t know how to make him stay.

 

But then, Dean doesn’t leave. He goes into the kitchen, makes two cups of tea, and then sits himself down on the floor beside the couch. He helps Seth take a few sips of tea before lacing their fingers together. Seth’s too busy enjoying the feel of Dean’s warm hand in his own to question him, so he doesn’t.

 

“Seth,” Dean says after a long comfortable silence, “Can you do something for me?” Seth swallows, pretty sure he knows what’s coming next, and nods.

 

“Anything, Dean.”

 

Dean takes a breath, thumb tracing circles on Seth’s skin, “Will you tell me why you did it. Why you, you know, went with him?” Seth exhales; he knew this would come sooner or later. Dean told him at the wedding that he wasn’t ready then to hear Seth’s story, but he is now, apparently, and Seth can’t deny him of that. Not now, when all he’s done is hurt Dean, but Dean’s still come running to help him when he needed him.

 

“I never had any intention of hurting you, Dean. I really mean that, when I met you, when we got together, the thought of,” Seth clears his throat, the words going to hurt him, but there’s not another word to fit. “Cheating on you, it wasn’t an option to me. I love you. It’s not past tense, I never loved you  I still love you. Antonio, I didn’t think he was ever coming back.

 

We go way back. Our mothers were childhood friends, so eventually when we came along, so were we. We grew up together, we did absolutely everything together, you know? He’s like your Roman. I er, I finally realised that I was in love with him when I was sixteen. I didn’t know how to tell him, I didn’t know if I should tell him. But uh, then he kissed me. I thought that was how my life was going to turn out, you know, we were just going to be happy and stuff. We had this weird relationship for like, two years, we weren’t really together, but we sort of were, until he said he wanted to go to med school. Med school happened to be in France, though. So my little plan of being together was sort of foiled. He told me to wait for him, that he’d be back and we’d be together.

 

I did wait for him, for a while anyway. I promised myself that no matter what, we’d be together somehow. Two years I waited, two years without an email, a phone call, even a letter. No word from him. So then I gave up.” Seth scratches his stomach with his good arm, taking Dean’s hand with him. “I went on dates and stuff, had a boyfriend here and there for the next five years, and then I met you. You were the only one who filled that gap, overflowed the gap that Antonio left. You were - you are - the only one who makes everything OK again.” Seth turns his head to face Dean, who’s looking at him intently, and tightens his grip on Dean’s hand.

 

“Then, months into me and you, Antonio turns up out of the blue. He’s done with med school, and after a few years working in France, he’s got a job in the General up the road. I couldn’t believe it, he’d been gone for seven years and he was just suddenly back, wanting to know whether I’d waited for him. I told him that I had, that I’d waited a long time but I’d moved on now, I had someone that I was really in love with I had you.” Seth shifts on the couch, wincing a little.

 

“But then he kept pushing, kept going on about how he loved me and that he’d only come back for me, there wasn’t anything else he wanted. And I guess the child in me, the sixteen year old that fell in love with him wanted to know what it would be like to indulge. To have something I’ve always wanted. And I did, and I never should have. I know that, I knew that back then, and as soon as I did it, I regretted it. Because he paled in comparison to you, in every single way, you fit me so much better than he did.

 

He didn’t seem to think that, though. And somehow he kept pulling me back in and he kept telling me that all I had to do was leave you, and then we could be together. I told him I couldn’t do that, because I was so in love with you. But he kept pushing, he wouldn’t let it go, so a stupid part of me thought that if I agreed, told him I would, he’d stop and I could fix it. And then it would just be you and me again. That was so stupid, because I kept telling him I was going to leave, but I wasn’t. I was never going to leave you.” Seth watches something flash through Dean’s face, confusion almost, and Seth sighs.

 

“I know I’d already cheated on you, but I was going to tell you. I was going to come clean so that we could work it out. I knew you’d be angry, because why wouldn’t you be, but I wanted us to just work on it, I never wanted to lose you. But then, then you heard me on the balcony.  And I know that you heard I was going to leave you, and that I loved him, but I didn’t. I honestly didn’t, I just wanted him to believe I did to buy me more time. I was never going to leave you that morning, so when I woke up to find you gone, that you thought I was going to leave you I was crushed. I was heartbroken because I fucking love you Dean.

 

I wanted to tell you everything that it was all just a big mistake, but you wouldn’t answer your phone or anything. I knew you didn’t want me to contact you, you told me so, but I needed to. And just like that, you were gone. You didn’t want me, and I didn’t know how to get through to you. Heartbroken me fell into the arms of Antonio. I never wanted us to be serious, but then he changed. I never knew he could be so violent. I didn’t think he’d ever put his hands on me.” Seth lets out a long shaky breath, there’s tears on his cheeks that he didn’t know he’d let fall, and Dean reaches to brush them away with his thumb.

 

“Then I was trapped. I can’t get out; I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

“So you were going to kill yourself.” Dean whispers, voice utterly heartbroken. Seth looks away, ashamed, and lets the tears flow freely down his cheeks.

 

“It was my way out, I didn’t have you, you’d got Roman and I had no one, I just, I needed a way out.” Seth sobs, it racks his body with pain, but he can’t help it.

 

“Hey, hey Seth, c’mon,” Dean sits up on his knees, leaning over Seth, taking his face between his hands, “I’m here, aren’t I? You got me. It’s gonna’ take me a while, you know, to get everything, but I’m here. You’ve always got me, Seth. I promise you.” Dean kisses his forehead, wiping away the tears on his cheeks, before sitting back down on the floor. Closer to the couch this time, so he can run his hands through Seth’s wild hair.

 

 

X

 

 

Dean watches Seth dose off, his hands still smoothing down his hair. He’d be lying if he didn’t say his heart wasn’t hurting more than it ever had. Just seeing Seth like this, so weak, so broken, it kills him. And hearing everything, hearing the sincerity in Seth’s voice, he knows it’s true.

 

He’s still very much in love with him, and even though he told Roman he’d never go back, he can’t leave Seth right now. Not when he needs him most.

 

It’s half past one in the morning when Dean’s just nodding off, and he hears Seth’s front door bang loudly. It jolts them both awake, and Seth’s face contours quickly from pain to fear.

 

“It’s him, he came back.” Dean’s whole body burns with anger, seeing Seth like this made him angry, but seeing the man who made him like it? Dean’s pretty sure he’s mad enough to kill someone just by looking at them.

 

“I got this.” Antonio starts to call out Seth’s name as he makes his way through the house, his voice gets louder, he finally comes into view, and his voice stops mid shout.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” He spits, eyes locking on Dean. He tries to stare him down, but Dean doesn’t faulter. He stares straight back, aware of Seth shaking on the couch.

 

“I could ask you the same thing.” Dean walks over to him, so they’re nose to nose.

 

“I’m home. You’re not, so I think you should leave.” Antonio says, motioning to the door. Dean laughs, a little manically, not moving an inch.

 

“No, no you’re not home, my friend. This is Seth’s home, and by the looks of things, you’re not welcome here. So why don’t you do us all a favour, hand me your key, and leave.” Dean holds out his hand, and this time, Antonio laughs.

 

“You must be really, really stupid.”

 

“Maybe I am. But at least I don’t lay hands on people I’m supposed to love. So you either hand me those keys, or I’ll be stupid enough to stand here all night and wait for you to give them to me. And if you don’t, well I’ll follow you around until you do. Don’t think I won’t, because I will. I’ve done much worse for a lot less. I’m not leaving and you’re not leaving until I get those keys. And once I do get them, you’re going to get whatever shit you got in this house, you’re going to completely ignore Seth, and then you’re going to leave, and never, ever come near him again. You lay one finger on his head, ever, ever again, and I will personally deliver your body to the police. So what’s it going to be?” Antonio does his best to stare Dean down, but Dean doesn’t budge. They stand like that for a good few minutes, the only sounds in the room being Seth’s heavy breathing. Antonio finally cracks, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a key. He slaps it in Dean’s hand, intending to hurt him, before looking over his shoulder at Seth.

 

“You’re going to pay, Seth. You’re never going to get rid of me!” He shouts, before storming back out into the porch and out of the house. The door slams behind him, and Dean hears Seth release a long, heavy breath. Dean turns on his heels and slowly makes his way back over to Seth. He places the key down on the table, before wrapping his arms around Seth gently, careful not to hurt him.

 

“Don’t worry about him, Seth. I’m here, I’m not gonna’ leave you again. I’m gonna’ be right here, looking after you. I promise you he won’t ever lay another finger on you again. I got you, I always got you Seth.” Seth sobs into his shoulder, and Dean tries to shush him. It might take him a while, because he’s still raw, still hurt from the fact that Seth cheated on him, no matter what the circumstances, but he still loves Seth. He really does, and he’s going to do whatever he can to look after Seth. You don’t hurt the ones you love, and Seth’s done enough hurting for now, and so has he. They’ll fix this, they’ll fix it together.

 

Dean kisses the top of Seth’s head, cradling him in his arms.

 

“I got you baby, I always got you.”


End file.
